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Considering remarriage?
Most people have very high hopes that a remarriage will be successful. While many remarriages fare well, the unfortunate truth is that remarriages generally end in divorce more often than first marriages (though making it through the first few years brings your odds up considerably!). This is likely the result of various factors, not the least of which is that remarriage brings with it a host of new issues that are often unanticipated:
- bringing together finances
- co-parenting yours, mine, and our children
- dealing with ex-spouses
- ghosts of relationships past
- fear of repeating past mistakes
The good news is that all of these issues can be addressed successfully. The most important thing you can promise yourself and your new partner is to be INTENTIONAL in your new relationship. Being intentional means that you maintain focus and awareness about what you want in life and your relationship. Some people object to this idea because they want to believe that "love" will get them through any difficulties ahead. My experience is that skills and motivation are as important as love when difficulties emerge. While you can't promise each other that you will always be the perfect partner, you can commit to a process of negotiating and communicating in such a way to prevent the derailing of your relationship.
There are many ways to increase your likelihood of success:
- Seek an assessment of your relationship before marrying so that you know your strengths and weaknesses
- Establish a relationship with a coach who will help keep you 'on track' with your relational goals
- Have a vision and goals for yourselves as a couple and a family that you revise at least yearly
- Establish frequent check-in times to clear out any, hopefully small, issues that have arisen
- Educate yourselves about step-parenting; it's hard and you need all the information you can get
- Have a VERY frank talk about finances; include an attorney or an accountant if needed.
- Don't keep secrets in your new relationship; these can derail a potentially good relationship
- You will have more success in a new relationship if you have resolved issues from a previous relationship or marriage. You don't want these ghosts to be present in your new relationship.
Get your remarriage off to the best possible start with an assessment or consultation.
DeWitt Crosby, Ph.D. 704 892 4858 dcrosby@dewittcrosbyphd.com
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