| Frequently Asked Questions about couple and relationship problems:
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What is the main problem couples have? Most couples report that communication is their biggest problem. What they generally mean is that their communication gets nothing resolved and/or frequently escalates into a fight. There are some particular features of 'good' communication that successful couples use; these can be practiced and learned. Sometimes the reason that we don't use the good skills we have learned is that we have become 'emotionally hijacked' in the conversation and resort to blaming, withdrawing, criticizing, yelling, or some other unproductive behavior. It takes practice and intention over a period of time to change bad habits.
| What is important in communicating? How we approach our partner is crucial to getting what we want from them: whether it's to do something for us, to be more affectionate, to help out more, etc. For example, when an issue is approached with positively, there is about a 70% chance of getting a cooperative response from our partner. When we approach our partner harshly or negatively, we have an almost 100% chance that they will respond negatively to our request or communication. Our children learn this early on: to wait for a good mood and approach in a good mood. It works in couple relationships as well.
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What are the most ineffective things people do in relationships?
- Blame their partner for what is wrong
- Give in to their partner's request, but with resentment
- Use the 'silent treatment' to get their way or to gain power
- Try to communicate when they are highly emotional (hurt, angry, etc.)
- Complain rather than ask or negotiate for what they want
- Psychoanalyze their partner
- Offer unsolicited 'constructive' criticism
- Fail to give their partner the benefit of the doubt
- Pay more attention to their partners' failings than their own.
- Forget how important compliments and appreciations are.
| Isn't love enough? Love is certainly important in a relationship, but people often view love as a feeling and so conclude that the love is 'dead' if they don't feel like they used to feel. "Love" is substantially influenced by how we BEHAVE rather than just how we feel. Loving and caring behaviors often result in a feeling of love toward our partner. Lack of affection, compliments, and appreciative remarks can result in not feeling 'in love' with our spouse or partner. If the loving behaviors have been withdrawn over a period of time, the relationship can 'die' and it may be hard to recapture the love that you used to have with each other.
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What if my spouse/partner doesn't think there is a problem? Usually people can agree that the relationship is not what they would like for it to be. More likely, they may be at different places about what can or should be done. Some people just don't want to go see a counselor or therapist for various reasons. If you're the one who wants to get some counseling but your partner does not, consider the following: People have successfully improved their relationships by working on it by themselves. While it is preferable for both to be engaged in improving the relationship, it is usually very helpful if at least one partner changes the patterns that are not working. Sometimes even a simple attitude change can make a big difference in how things are going. One person becoming a more successful partner can inspire the other to do so as well, even if they don't participate in the sessions. So, don't despair that nothing can be done. Many people have saved their relationships single handedly by being a better partner themselves.
| What will it cost to get counseling or do something else? It is hard to predict exactly how much it will take to achieve the goals you have in your relationship, but consider that for the cost of about 2 lattes every day for a year, you could have 12 - 15 sessions of couples counseling or a weekend intensive program. (In fact, some weekend programs are free!) Another way to look at it: is the health of your relationship worth putting off the purchase of a new car this year? Achieving a healthy committed relationship is a good investment in a variety of ways because happily married people are more likely to enjoy: greater physical health, well-adjusted children, better job performance, and happier lives in general. Successful relationships bring out the best in us; failing relationships bring out our worst and affect all areas of our lives.
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What about affairs? Affairs usually represent a huge betrayal in a relationship; nevertheless,
many couples are able to recover successfully from an affair. If the affair was ongoing people often like the way they experienced themselves in the affair better than how they felt in the marriage or relationship. That may be because they are putting more energy into the affair than in their primary relationship. Not all affairs are alike, though, and it is important to understand the meaning of the affair for your particular relationship to figure out how to recover from it. When couples take the steps to heal from the betrayal they often report that they have a stronger relationship than ever before. Other kinds of betrayals are equally important in damaging relationships: throwing back in someone's face information that was shared as a private and/or vulnerable matter or revealing publicly something that was considered a private matter between the couple.
| How do I know if we are incompatible? Most people wouldn't get married if they thought they were incompatible, but it can sure look that way after being married or in a relationship for awhile. There are some factors that can guarantee that a relationship will experience some challenges. On the other hand, there are couples who beat all odds and have a successful relationship despite seemingly insurmountable differences. More often than not, it is how people treat each other rather than differences in backgrounds, religion, spending habits, etc. that leads to relationship success. An assessment can look at what factors are causing the most problems in your relationship and help you focus on those issues that are are the most troublesome. No doubt there are some areas of 'incompatibility', but remember that those areas are found in successful relationships as well.
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Not sure you are ready for counseling? Other options:
- Assessment of your relationship
- One-time educational program for you and your partner
- Weekend getaway program of enrichment
- Coaching toward specific goals
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